I spend more time daydreaming in a universe I’ve woven in my head than going out and hanging around with friends. I think a lot of it has to do with my school life. I used to get bullied a lot by my school seniors and even my. cousins when I was young. This could be one factor that made me create an outer orbit that is hard to get past, and I tend to keep a lot of people I meet in the outer orbit. I won’t even have a proper conversation with you unless I feel the need to! Back in school, I was a loner, to be honest. I do not have many school friends to talk about, except two people whom I like to believe I’m still close to!
Believe? Well, over the years, if I’ve learned something, it’s the fact that how you portray someone in your book is not the same way they portray you!
A lot changed after 10th; I moved to a new higher secondary school. I made a few friends who I sort of fit in with! For a kid who thought himself to be a misfit in this world, 11th and 12th were and still are my happy place! This was the time when I started letting people into the inner orbit!
We all went our separate ways soon, and the struggle to find a home started again!
I took a year off to prepare for engineering entrance examinations. I enrolled myself in a coaching center where I found a few constants I could connect with, and I also let them into my inner circle!
I consider myself “highly ambitious,” which made college a bit hard for me. I rarely found people whom I could resonate with, and the ones I found were a few classmates and my seniors; they helped me out a lot! I do not mean that I was a loner in college; I knew a lot of people. I still know a ton of people, but the ones that resonate with a part of my inner world are a handful of people whom I deeply care about! I was also able to find a group of friends outside of college and a few college juniors whom I could connect with.
Even with all these people, the only one I’ve felt I can be the truest self with is my father! He’s the only person in the world who has seen all the dimensions of my inner world; we’ve been like best friends ever since I can remember! I can talk about anything ranging from philosophy, science, politics, movies, music, every shade of humor, literally anything, without the fear of being judged! He actively listens to topics he doesn’t have a clue about! There was this one time when I was learning quantum computing, and the guy literally did some research on the internet so that he could have a conversation with me!
So why am I writing all this?
Over the past years, I’ve been feeling a disconnect from everyone. I feel that I’m lost in a time, a world that has no deeper connection with each other! A world full of people racing each other selfishly! A world where no one owes each other anything, not even love and affection! I was talking about this with my father the other day, and he says it’s all a part of growing up. Is it? Is that all there is here? A selfish race that has no finish line.
I’ve generally felt that I’ve always connected better with people older than me. I’ve made good friends with people who are even a lot older than me. Maybe it’s because they also crave a deeper connection!
These days I’m getting more disconnected from society, and I look for deeper meaning in every person I meet. It’s not that I don’t go out; it’s just that I constantly get the feeling of being alone even when I’m among people, and I zone out into my inner cosmos!
I feel I was born in the wrong generation, maybe even the wrong world! The constant nostalgia for a world that I’ve never known and for people whom I’ve never met haunts me every day now! Maybe I’ll find them one day, maybe they’ll find me, who knows!
A world that rushes behind parties, alcohol, and drugs for dopamine. What excites me are sunsets, beaches, and meaningful conversations! Talk to me about your day, your struggles, that little thing that annoyed you the entire day!
I’m probably not the only one who feels this way; I’m pretty sure there are others! To the loners, to the misfits, to anyone who feels that you don’t belong here!