Unfiltered thoughts that I always wanted to share but never really got the opportunity write it down. This blog is unstructured and is like a dump of thoughts on multiple topics!
The little things that matter …
I don’t remember the last time I celebrated my birthday. The not-so-fun part about being born in May for young little Kiran was that I never got to celebrate my birthday in school or in college! But my parents were always around to cheer me up, and they used to organize a small birthday party for me until I was 15.
On another note, I was never really the easiest person to befriend when I was young, probably a reason why Amma and Appa are the closest friends I have right now. Perhaps it’s also why they say it was easy for them to raise me, as I never had that teenage rebellious phase. They never really interfered in any of my life decisions after I turned 18 and let me take ownership of all my decisions, including the mistakes I made.
Honestly, they’ve set the bar so high that I truly doubt if I’ll ever be as cool parents if I ever become one. Every year as I get older, the only thing that scares me is the realization that my time with them is limited and they won’t always be there!
We had a ton of debt in the family, something Appa inherited from his father—generational debt, I call it. A goal for me as I grew older was to relieve the man from his debts. The only motivator for me which led me to where I am right now—small wins, but I’ve managed to clear most of the debt since I started working full-time.
Appa, Amma, and I never really went out much when I was growing up. Amma was working as a teacher, Appa was busy with his work, both of them trying to look after the family and pay off the debts. After a point, Amma was the sole earning person in the house—honestly, she inspires me, even though I rarely tell her that. Appa, too, for staying strong and never really showing any weakness, even though I understood how hard he was struggling.
I remember asking Appa for a cycle when I was a kid, and both of us crying for totally different reasons. I, because I thought I wouldn’t get a cycle, Appa because he was struggling to buy one for me. But he loaned a small amount from his friend and bought one for me. Both Appa and Amma tried their best to ensure that their only son had everything he needed—looking back, I feel like a dumb little kid.
I turned 25 today, lots of struggles. I’ve been completely financially independent since 21, and now I’ve closed most of the family debt, little steps, but more to go! The next small goal is to buy a small car so that all of us can go out for the first time!
Where am I headed?
Mid-twenties are confusing times; some are getting married, some pursuing higher studies, some getting a hold of their own lives, some struggling hard.
Up until graduation, I had a clear direction on where I wanted to be—I’m at that place now. But now I’m confused about where I want to go, kind of directionless—in a good way though.
The possibilities before me are endless, hundreds of pathways that I can take, but I’m clueless. Now there are challenges and struggles, but I’ve always been optimistic that I’ll figure out things.
I only talk about these problems to my parents and a few select people - but for the ones that always listen, thank you
Vestiges
I’ve always had a tendency to zone out and daydream. I used to make up fictional stories of my own and play them in my head when I was young. Growing up, I created small alter-egos where I used the qualities of fictional characters to overcome challenges that I faced!
I used to have stage fright back in school, and I used to imagine myself as a character to overcome it. Probably the first time I used the alter ego of Tron Johnson in my head to become more confident in the things that I do. This habit stuck with me, where I took inspiration from other characters to tackle problems and how they would handle those situations. I also leave small easter eggs and trails of the characters that I use across my blogs and content!
I take inspiration from monotheistic Hinduism where Krishna is considered the supreme being, Svayam rupa being the true self which only a select few can understand, and Tad-ekatma-rupa which are like forms that I take on for other people to know me or alter egos that get me through tough situations. I leave traces of this on most of my online presence.
Aang is a character who deeply inspires me, probably because I could relate to the fact that he had to take on a lot of expectations at such a young age and of the constant thought on what if he fails. I’ve also tried to build most of my personal philosophies like Aang!
A lot of things were easy for me as a child; it was easy to pick up new skills and excel in them if I wanted to. Always being told you have great potential made me relate to Son Gohan a lot. I’ve always wondered where I’d be if I chose another pathway in my life. Maybe Kiran would’ve been in a band, or maybe in a karate tournament!
Finally, for a kid who grew up listening to the verse “I wanna be the very best, Like no one ever was,” it made me pick myself up whenever I failed. If not this, then we’ll chase the next best thing as has always been how I saw lost opportunities.
To the ones who stayed
Making friends was always tough me. The ice wouldn’t break even if we interacted a bunch of times. To the ones that I didn’t smile at or never said hi - I’m sorry that my social awkwardness got the best of me, but then there have been people who I’ve instantly formed bonds with!
I know that sometimes I can be a hard person to hang out with, but hear me out! I’ve mostly had individual or small friend groups, and over the years, it’s been hard to maintain regular contact with all of you. Being the type who gets exhausted after every IRL social interaction—I’m sure you know that!
To my parents, the closest ones.
To the brothers and sisters that I never had and to the cousins that I look up to and adore.
To the ones from school and the friend groups that took in an introverted kid.
To the ones from Brilliant and to the ones from college who took the time to get to know me.
To the few college juniors and seniors whom I see as my own brothers and sisters.
To the larger friend group that made me feel at home and to the special ones in the larger friend group, thank you for existing.
To the few to whom I said, “Where were you all my life?”
To the ones who saw me as a son.
To the ones that left this world — I’ll see you again.
To the ones who stayed
I don’t want to state names but I’m sure the ones who know already know!
You know that I’m one call away, and I’ll always be here for you for anything, as always!
I used to think that I had a small inner circle of friends; well, after writing down this blog, boy was I wrong!
All the good in me is because of all of you, and any flaws are my own doing.
Few words to the future or past
- Don’t lose momentum; pick yourself up when you fall.
- Be there for those who approach you in need. Even just listening to them could help with what they’re going through.
- Be unapologetically and ethically selfish when it comes to your needs.
- You’re not self-made; all things good in you are because of someone or something.
- Mighty is the hand that knows when to pick up a sword or when to pick up a pen.
- You are what “you” believe who you are
- Everything is temporary; enjoy it while it lasts.
- Everyone has a life of their own - respect that; it’s okay they are not always there for you.